I consider myself a responsible adult. I have lived on my own for more than six years, I am financially independent, I earned a college degree and I can hold down a job. I know how to do the dishes, laundry and shop for groceries. I can even feed myself with some of those groceries. Responsible, right?
Truth be told, I have very little responsibility. I'm not married, I'm not a homeowner, I'm not a parent. I don't even have a dog and currently, I have no living plants to care for. They're all dead. Aside from paying my rent on time, I have virtually no responsibility.
So here's what I am wrestling with. If I give my two weeks' notice tomorrow at 4 P.M. when I clock in for yet another Saturday night cocktail shift, I could leave at the end of the month and travel for three weeks before I need to be back in the states for a prior commitment. But would this be responsible?
Oh I could justify it, no doubt. I'm young, I'm unattached, I have zero heart invested into my gin & tonic job. I could do it, I could really go. But then what? I come back to my apartment -- to bills and rent -- with no job and a much lighter bank account. Maybe I haven't made any progress in my career, either. Again... I start to justify, to rationalize. After all, it's the City of Angels and the bar jobs are aplenty. I'm young and free and NOW is the time to see the world because someday I will be responsible for more than just my rent check, right? A whole slew of motivational Hallmark messages come to mind, tailored just for me it seems, and my relentless hunger for adventure.
The "not all who wander are lost"s and the "world is a book and those who don't travel read only one page"s and on and on and on practically force my hand to buy a plane ticket. Now is the time right? No strings attached, just go.
But then I remember the return flight; the fact that the trip will end and I will come home. Immediately the romance of it all is gone. The fear of unemployment, the fear of a dwindling savings account, the fear of regretting an irresponsible choice. And here I start to rationalize all over again, but this time for the other team, for all the reasons not to go. For the sake of being responsible. The responsible thing to do is keep my job, keep looking for a real job, keep putting money in the bank, keep achieving. That is what responsible adults do.
The thing is, I don't remember signing up for this "adulthood" I've heard about. And as we've established, seeing that I have no living plants to care for, I'm not all that responsible. Besides, research by the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services indicates that brain development is not complete until near the age of 25. Read: I have almost two years before I can be held responsible for any adult decisions. I am free to run rampant, barefoot in the wilderness.
But jump ahead two years to my twenty fifth birthday & my fully formed brain. Do I still work at a bar? Have I written anything of value? And most importantly, do I have a dog yet? Here's hoping for a no, yes and of course. At the very least, in two years I can't be in the same place I am now. I cannot stand still for two years. At that rate, I might as well just load up on two or twelve cats and call it a lifetime. But what career, what bank account, what dog is worth giving up the one thing I love most in this world -- the departure gate?
"Do what makes you happy," they say. Okay, so I pack up and fly away. I see the world. If I want to be a travel writer... it makes sense to travel and write, right? But what would make me happy in this moment may not lead to my happiness in the next. What would not make me happy is living in my parent's basement at 40. Especially not with all of those cats.
Tell me, what is a restless wanderluster to do? What is the responsible choice for someone so irresponsible working with only a partial brain? I realize that this post lacks any real wisdom or conclusion... I can only hope the lack of resolve you feel from reading it gives you a taste of the unrest I feel as to how I will spend this one wild and precious life.
Goodnight & good luck.
Sierra
As a 50-year old with a solid career, a home, many responsibilities (but no dog!), I look back wondering why I didn't travel when I could, why I didn't indulge in adventure and impulsive decisions. See the world! You might struggle a bit when you return but that will give you fodder for your writing. Best of luck to you.
ReplyDeleteSierra, pack those bags and travel! There will always be a job out there when you get back. If you wait and get responsible, then the traveling money dwindles because you need to pay for those vet appointments for your 12 cats, car payments for the latest hot convertible(you do live in Sunny L.A.), clothes form the latest haute couture line and groceries. Then you'll get married, buy a house, have a kid and to most traveling is to Disney Land/World with the family. Give notice, pack those bags and travel all over the world as long as you can. 3 weeks? Sell everything and go for longer. You will never regret this.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Oh how I have felt that pain. The one that drags you here and there and back home again. Still feeling it, and loving it. I LOVE that desire to leave. I LOVE leaving. Almost as much as I love coming home. I hit the 25 year mark, I went ahead and did that for you. I'ts not that scary. I blazed the marriage trail while I was at it. Also not that scary. I have a menagerie of animals, and a whole slew of live plants. And we just got home from a couple weeks in Costa Rica. What I'm trying to say is, there are no rules in life. You do what makes you happy. Growing older and having responsibilities doesn't mean you never leave home. Just ask the Johnsons- they packed up 3 kiddos in an RV and traveled the country for a year! If you want to travel now then travel, if you want to stay put in the glorious paradise of LA beaches and sunshine and save up money then do that! Your clock is not ticking, time is not running out, you are only racing against yourself. So slow down, stop panicking, and do whatever makes you feel like yourself! You have plenty of life ahead- (and trust me, boarding pets is not that expensive...and as long as your nice to your neighbors you will most definitely have someone to water your plants while you're away!)
ReplyDeleteLove you girl